This Christmas season, the first since my Chester is gone has been proven to be the loneliest,emptiest, the most heartbreaking one I have ever spent.  It’s just not the same. It’s the time of year when you spend the most joyous times with the ones who are closest to you, full of fun, laughter, and full of love.  When you spend 45 Christmases together with the love of your life then they’re gone, all that’s left is an empty hole and nothing can really fill it because everything reminds you of the good times and it triggers you.

I was so tempted to go and hide under a rock and spend the season by myself afraid of spoiling it for everyone else but my kids made me spend it with them. I had to remember they lost their Dad and they’re grieving too. We spent it at my daughter’s place. It was tough but we got through it supporting each other.  The grand kids help too. They miss their Papa 2 but everyone tried to make it as normal as possible for them.

I also have 3 wonderful brothers who have been there for me and we had a Christmas dinner at the nursing home that both my Dad who will be 103 years old next May, and my sister in law are being cared for on Sunday. It turned out better than I thought.Only 2 of my brothers showed up. One couldn’t make because his son was in the hospital and he had to tend to him. I totally get that. He’s been a tremendous help to me. He knows what it’s like to lose the love of your life. He lost his wife a couple years ago as a result of cancer. So he’s gone through it too. He’s also the one who got Chester and I together.

My dad has dementia and doesn’t remember or understand much anymore but he was a great support for me none the less. I held his hand and talked with him for most of the time I was there. I told him how much I love him and how he has always been a good Dad. That he raised me to be the person that I am today teaching me right from wrong and  he and Mom making sure I went to church etc. I was so emotional, he sensed something was going on with me. Out of the blue he turned his head, looked me straight in the eyes and said to me,”What’s wrong?” So I told him the best I knew how that his son-in-law who he thought the world of, was in heaven with Mom. He then squeezed my hand even harder than he already had been. I believe he understood and was trying to comfort the best way he knew how. That meant the world to me.

The one I rely on the most is my Jesus. I ask Him every morning to get me through another day. He’s been there when I wake up in the middle of the night cold and lonely and I need someone to talk to.  I trust Him to guide me as to what do I do next without my husband.

Until that day I am reunited with my husband,I have to find a way to go on. Yeah everyone has been great but it’s still not the same.  No my life on this earth will never be the same again.