Drought land background, plant struggling for life.

Everyday it’s a struggle. A real fight. My stomach is in knots, my family tries to make me eat. I don’t feel like eating. When I do eat,I have a hard time because I get short of breath and then my stomach hurts even more. Food has been the last thing on my mind the last few weeks.

Sleep. I don’t sleep well at all. I have trouble falling asleep and then when I do sleep it’s only for short periods at a time. Before I would go to bed earlier than Chester. I would doze and be kind of restless, then when he would come I would relax because I knew he was there and I could soundly sleep. I wake up now at least two or three times a night with an empty lonely feeling. It’s difficult to fall back to sleep. I don’t have a real deep sleep anymore.

I don’t feel interested in the things I was interested in before. I used to be interested in politics and current affairs. I don’t pay attention anymore. There were about 2 or 3 different shows on TV I used to really enjoy watching. They don’t interest me anymore.  I loved country music. I haven’t listened to it for awhile and I don’t even miss it.  I haven’t been in any stores for weeks, I have no desire to go.

I used to want to look as good and as youthful as I could. All the lotions and potions I would use. I did it for the man I love. I even invested in a couple of devices I would religiously use to reduce the lines and wrinkles. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Don’t want to. These things don’t matter to me anymore. I just don’t care.

Nothing much in this world I care about anymore except my family and trying to get as many people to accept Jesus as possible so they can spend eternity in heaven and the new earth.  That’s where my heart is right now. It’s a longing for heaven and it’s never been so intense as it is now. It’s like the apostle Paul. He had an intense longing like that too.

Philippians 1:21-30 King James Version (KJV)

²¹ For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

²² But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.

²³ For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:

²⁴ Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

²⁵ And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;

My struggle I think is because I still physically live in this world and yet my heart and mind are somewhere else.