It’s been a month and it hurts like heck. I’m so lonely sometimes I want to die. I have this gaping hole inside my heart that feels black and empty. It still doesn’t seem real. How can it be?  A man who takes such good care of himself. Watches what he puts into his body suddenly suffers a stroke, appears like he’s improving and recovering from the stroke then it is discovered it was pancreatic cancer that caused the stroke. And then, all of a sudden without barely and I mean barely within 24 hours of being notified of this devastating news, he deteriorates and he’s gone. All within a 3 week period. It’s all so surreal. Utterly shocking. So bizarre. How could this happen?

You see the love of my life. My man, my beloved husband Chester Fraser went home to be with his Lord and Savior a month ago now, November 2.  We shared everything together. We’ve been together for about 45 years. Married for 41. Now what do I do without him? How can I go on?  I just want to see his face, hear his voice, feel his warm touch. To experience that dry sense of humor of his and to hear his laughter one more time but I can’t. It almost kills me inside. I miss him so much every fiber of my being is literally  in such great pain. I will never be the same again. How do I survive this? Do I survive this?

I know he’s in heaven with Jesus. I know he’s safe and secure. I know he’s with loved ones who have gone on before. I know he doesn’t have to feel pain or sickness anymore. I know he doesn’t have to contend with the evils of this world anymore. I know he doesn’t have to get up early in the morning and drive 100 miles back and forth to work everyday sometimes fighting bad road conditions and nasty weather anymore.  I know he’s happy and content in the arms of Jesus.

But he’s not with me anymore. Sure I have my three kids and they’re great. They’ve been taking great care of me. I don’t know what I would do without them. I have three brothers who have been a great support for me but still it’s not like having your life’s partner, your one flesh, your other half,your spouse, the love of your life next to you. It’s like someone cut off my right arm.

So what do I do now?  The only thing I have to hang on to right now is the hope of being reunited one day to spend eternity with the Lord.  Trusting God one day, one hour, one minute at time sometimes.

Will this pain and agony ever go away? Will there ever be any light at the end of the tunnel. They tell me it will get easier with time.This is a journey I never thought I’d see. A journey I wish I wasn’t on but a journey I have to take. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.