Tag Archives: pain

One Year Anniversary

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My Country Boy,

It’s been one year now my love, since you’ve moved on to heaven to be with the Lord. I’m sure you’re having a great time reunited with Josh, Kaitlin, your sister Barbara, your parents, my Mom, and of course (just about a month ago) Dad. I bet you and he are catching up and reminiscing about the good ole days when you two would talk about almost everything like vehicles, politics, and religion.  I remember how you used to worry about him in that nursing home. I did too. That’s one thing I always loved about you, you cared about him and Mom too. They both thought the world of you, that’s one of many reasons I knew you were the guy for me.  I miss the two men in my life who provided me with stability and security.

I still love you so much and miss you like crazy. This past year has been like a hell on earth for me without you. There are times I keep reliving those last few weeks over and over again. The pain is still raw and fresh but at the same time I’m glad you’re freed now of that pain and suffering. I hated watching you go through all that (as you would say )”hassle”.  Actually it was killing me inside. At least now you’re will never have to go through anything like that again for all eternity.

I miss your smile, your warmth, your dry sense of humour, your voice – and my goodness do I ever miss that warm touch when you hold me in your arms.  I miss our chats, especially our Saturday morning coffee chats, when we would drink our morning coffee together and just chat about almost everything frankly. I especially miss those times when the weather was nice enough to sit out on the porch and spend our quality time together flipping through flyers to see what the good deals were.  I miss going places with you, to the classic car shows, to Spock Days out at Vulcan, and the Home and Garden shows.  I miss going to the theatre to watch movies. I hate going out in public. I can’t do those things anymore, not without you. I loved watching TV with you, now I don’t enjoy it at all.  You would often listen to my country music with me that I loved. You enjoyed some of it, I could tell. I don’t listen to it much anymore. I don’t care if I listen or not. It’s not the same.

Shopping is a lonely arduous task to me now.  I do it because I have to not because I enjoy it because I don’t anymore. I loved going to the stores with you even it was just to browse. I just loved being with you no matter where we went or what we did.

I miss your very presence. Family get togethers are not the same anymore especially when it’s someone’s birthday or holidays like Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving. It’s so obvious there’s an empty chair that leaves me feeling empty, lonely and full of pain. You were full of witty words and laughter, without that, the silence is deafening. The whole family notices, even the grand kids.

I’m still not finished finished all the paper work yet. I can only do bits and pieces at a time. I hate it!  It’s too overwhelming, it always triggers me. That’s one thing I’ll be glad when it’s all done.

That moment when the Lord took you home, my heart broke. I thought we had many more years together. That moment our retirement plans were shattered. My life was shattered. Suddenly the love of my life was not with me here on this earth anymore. I was left with a big gaping open wound that won’t completely heal. I don’t think it will completely heal until I see you again, my love. Only when Jesus takes me home will that happen. Our kids try and do their best but they can only do so much. They’re still hurting too. It’s been hard.

I’ve stayed close to Jesus this past year and will continue to do so.God has been faithful in comforting me. He’s given me a few dreams that has given me some reassurance and has promised me that He will restore everything that I have lost. I continually cling to that and to Him of course. He’s my only solace. I read the word and pray everyday. By the way, I pray everyday that the crew at Triple M Housing, your second family that all will be saved and join you one day in eternity. I know you want that very much and I do too. I believe at least some will be there with you .

My mind is often now on heaven and what it’s like for you and what it’s going to be like when we are reunited again. Just think you, me, and all our family finally together. I think about that a lot. I think about what it’s like in the presence of Jesus. I know it’s going to be better that what I can even imagine.  You are now a full fledged citizen of heaven.  I know right now I’m a citizen of heaven while still on this earth, but one day I will be just like you. I can’t wait.

The one thing that comforts me is knowing that you are safe and secure with Jesus and that you’re freed from all that pain suffering.  You don’t have to deal with the cares and problems of this world anymore. I bet you’re happy that you’re back to your youthful self again. That’s one problem of this fallen world we all have to deal with – aging. I don’t why anyone would want to turn down a free gift of becoming young again and living the good life forever in the most beautiful place ever. It’s beyond me. Something to hope for.  I have to reminding myself that as a believer that I have that hope that non-believers don’t have.

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 King James Version (KJV)

13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

You will always be the love of my life, my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my companion. No one else will ever replace you. You’re a great husband, father, grandfather, brother,and son. I can’t wait to see your face, hear your voice, feel your embrace and laugh at your humour again.  I love you so much and always will.

Your Vulcan farmgirl

 

 

Please Make It Stop

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The first couple weeks after Chester went home to be with the Lord,I felt numb and in shock. Disbelief. I hardly cried. Now it’s finally sinking in he’s gone.  It’s hitting me and it’s hitting me hard. I feel like I’m trapped in a box with no air, I can’t breathe and I’ll never get out.  I can’t stop crying now.  There’s a hole in my heart and I don’t know if it’ll ever be healed in this world.

I hate what’s going on now. It’s feels like a prison and I’m a prisoner with a life sentence and no chance of parole. I understand how Chester felt when he was in the hospital when he compared it to being in prison.

Having to live without him and going through this pain is like a prison. I feel bound by the heartache and the pain. I’ve been told to be strong for my kids and grand kids.  I can’t do it anymore. I am not strong. I feel sick, incredibly lonely and overwhelmed. I want to be with him so badly. I love him and miss him so much. You know the saying “stop the world and let me off.”  That’s exactly how I feel right now.

How much longer must I endure? I want Jesus to come back so badly I can taste it cause I know I will be reunited with the man I love then. I want Jesus to come back now. I want see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his touch. I want to see my husband’s face, hear his voice and feel his touch. It’ll be then when this pain will go away and Jesus will wipe away my tears and I’ll never have to say goodbye again.  I hate having to wait but I must and that sucks.

 

 

 

 

Replays In My Mind

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Ever since Chester went home to be with the Lord, I replay the last 3 weeks of his life in my mind over and over again like a rerun of a bad TV show.  I think it’s maybe a part of trying to make sense of it all.

It’s like a fog but at the same time it’s still so vivid. Early morning of Tuesday October 9 the day after our Canadian Thanksgiving, Chester got out of bed to get ready for work as he usually does. He was trying to put on his coveralls that he usually wore everyday but he was having problems putting them on. He was confused and his left hand was giving him trouble. He would keep tangling the coveralls up. He said he had fallen out of bed in the night which I had not noticed.

There was no way he was going to work. I was not going to let him. Our oldest son Dean took him to the hospital in Claresholm the small town where we live to get checked out. Our hospital there is really nothing more than a triage center. The doctor there sent him to High River about 40 minute drive from us for a CAT scan where there are a few more facilities. So Dean right away drove him there. They determined there he had a stroke where they transported him by ambulance to Calgary where they have the best facilities for stroke patients that’s around our area.

My younger son Justin and I then met my husband and Dean in the emergency department of the hospital in Calgary. He was stable, lucid and they were monitoring him quite closely. He was aware of where he was, why he was there and who everyone was.  This was the first time he was admitted to hospital since he was 8 years old when he told me he had his tonsils removed.

The next day they moved him up to the stroke unit where they treated him with blood thinners and antibiotics for pneumonia which contracted on the transport from High River. He was actually doing quite well. When the nurses came to check his vitals he responded very well. He was very sleepy though in which apparently it’s quite common for stroke patients. They started physio therapy that he did well too. He was actually starting to get some movement and strength back on that left side. He was improving day by day so much so that by week 2 the doctors were thinking of sending him to the rehab place where he could continue to receive his physio therapy and get him back on his feet and back home. He was having a bit of pain and discomfort though. We all thought it was because of the stroke and his positioning sometimes in his bed.

The week 3 is when the real nightmare started. His blood platelets had gone down. The doctors were trying to figure that out so they sent a hematologist around to check him out. His left foot also started to swell so they ordered an ultrasound of his legs. They had found blood clots in the legs. Then he had to have a CAT scan of the abdomen area. That’s when I received the devastating news that he had pancreatic cancer and that’s what they had determined caused the stroke. By the next day he was gone. It all went so fast, he never found out exactly what was wrong in which I see now was probably a blessing. I know he wouldn’t have taken it very well.

I never left his side. I spent most of the time encouraging him and cheering him on.  I was with him for the entire 3 weeks except for when I went to clean up at my daughter Tiffany’s place. I slept there every night right in his room next to him in a recliner chair the staff had so graciously provided for me.  Even then I would go to shower,change I would head straight back to the hospital. There was no other place I would rather be. I hated to be gone too long from him. He depended on me to help take care of him and I was more than happy to do so. I love him and that’s where I belonged.

.He was always a very independent person and hated the fact that he had to depend on others to do things for him. Even the most basics like going to the washroom by himself. He was very frustrated. It was hard on him. It was hard on me watching how frustrated he had become.  He compared the hospital to a prison and he to a prisoner.

The last few days he complained more and more of pain and that he was feeling more and more uncomfortable. He pleaded and pleaded that he wanted out. He got out of there just not the way everyone expected.  At least now he’s relieved of all that discomfort and pain and all that frustration.  Even though I miss my Chester like heck and want him here with me, I wouldn’t want to see him suffer like that anymore. For that I thank God that my husband is now pain free and will never be again.  I guess you could say Jesus came and broke him out of that prison.  That I do find comfort in.

 

 

 

 

The Journey Begins

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It’s been a month and it hurts like heck. I’m so lonely sometimes I want to die. I have this gaping hole inside my heart that feels black and empty. It still doesn’t seem real. How can it be?  A man who takes such good care of himself. Watches what he puts into his body suddenly suffers a stroke, appears like he’s improving and recovering from the stroke then it is discovered it was pancreatic cancer that caused the stroke. And then, all of a sudden without barely and I mean barely within 24 hours of being notified of this devastating news, he deteriorates and he’s gone. All within a 3 week period. It’s all so surreal. Utterly shocking. So bizarre. How could this happen?

You see the love of my life. My man, my beloved husband Chester Fraser went home to be with his Lord and Savior a month ago now, November 2.  We shared everything together. We’ve been together for about 45 years. Married for 41. Now what do I do without him? How can I go on?  I just want to see his face, hear his voice, feel his warm touch. To experience that dry sense of humor of his and to hear his laughter one more time but I can’t. It almost kills me inside. I miss him so much every fiber of my being is literally  in such great pain. I will never be the same again. How do I survive this? Do I survive this?

I know he’s in heaven with Jesus. I know he’s safe and secure. I know he’s with loved ones who have gone on before. I know he doesn’t have to feel pain or sickness anymore. I know he doesn’t have to contend with the evils of this world anymore. I know he doesn’t have to get up early in the morning and drive 100 miles back and forth to work everyday sometimes fighting bad road conditions and nasty weather anymore.  I know he’s happy and content in the arms of Jesus.

But he’s not with me anymore. Sure I have my three kids and they’re great. They’ve been taking great care of me. I don’t know what I would do without them. I have three brothers who have been a great support for me but still it’s not like having your life’s partner, your one flesh, your other half,your spouse, the love of your life next to you. It’s like someone cut off my right arm.

So what do I do now?  The only thing I have to hang on to right now is the hope of being reunited one day to spend eternity with the Lord.  Trusting God one day, one hour, one minute at time sometimes.

Will this pain and agony ever go away? Will there ever be any light at the end of the tunnel. They tell me it will get easier with time.This is a journey I never thought I’d see. A journey I wish I wasn’t on but a journey I have to take. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.