Losing the man I love has left me feeling lonely, empty and abandoned especially right now. Every part of me inside and out hurts. Everything it seems reminds of our life together which leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

It is the Christmas season when one should feel full of joy but I do not. Not this year. This will be the first year in over 40 years I will not have my Chester to share with what should be a happy time. It has barely been a month and that wound is  too fresh and too painful I want to go hide under a rock. It just hurts too much!

A couple of weeks ago my daughter convinced me to go to Walmart with her. I saw all the Christmas displays and it triggered me.  I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I felt a tightness in my chest and throat. It brought back all those memories when Chester and I would go shopping for our family wondering to buy for gifts.  My husband enjoyed browsing around in the stores especially this time of the year. He would always find good bargains he would have to pick up and bring home. Not this year.  I could not wait to get out of that store.

I cannot even bring myself watch any Christmas shows or look at or listen to anything having to do with Christmas and all the lights, decorations, the food and everything else that goes with it.  All these things are just reminders and it is like rubbing salt into a deep fresh wound.

I do not know how or if I can make it through this season. I do not know how much more I can take.  I cry out to God to please help me!

I have to be honest. I know God has promised He will never leave me or forsake me but sometimes I do not feel it.

I know that the real reason for Christmas is the celebration the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and if it was not for Him I would not have that hope of seeing my husband again and spending eternity with him. But right now it still feels like I am on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean, all alone with no help in sight.

Yeah I know I have my kids and grand kids but it is still not the same without my man. Yes I will try the best I can but  it will be just going through the motions. And I will continue seeking God for my comfort and strength. I have no choice that is all I have.