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Today Was A Bad Day

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What can I say? Today was an extremely bad day. You would think that my post from the other day about my dream I would be on the up swing but not today. I woke up with an unset stomach and aching in my heart. It’s been really hard to hold back my emotions. I haven’t been able to eat all day. The only reason I eat these days is so that my family doesn’t get mad and hound me. Even then I don’t eat much. I don’t get hungry. Food hasn’t even been on the radar.

I miss Chester like crazy. Tonight is the Santa Clause parade in High River where a year ago Chester and I along with our sons met Tiffany and the girls to watch the parade and get in on the festivities. It was a great time. The lights, all the music, the floats going by and at the end  my husband and I watching  Abigail and Esther’s eyes beaming as the big guy himself arrived. It was beautiful.

Not this year. Not tonight. The kids are going again tonight but I won’t be going.  Too many triggers that’s causing gut wrenching pain. My Chester won’t be there.Without him there how could I possibly enjoy it?  I won’t be able to take it. Every thing is still too fresh. It would be like rubbing salt into a fresh wound that hasn’t even begun to heal.

I hate what I’m going through. I just want the pain to stop. Why won’t it go away?

 

 

 

Replays In My Mind

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Ever since Chester went home to be with the Lord, I replay the last 3 weeks of his life in my mind over and over again like a rerun of a bad TV show.  I think it’s maybe a part of trying to make sense of it all.

It’s like a fog but at the same time it’s still so vivid. Early morning of Tuesday October 9 the day after our Canadian Thanksgiving, Chester got out of bed to get ready for work as he usually does. He was trying to put on his coveralls that he usually wore everyday but he was having problems putting them on. He was confused and his left hand was giving him trouble. He would keep tangling the coveralls up. He said he had fallen out of bed in the night which I had not noticed.

There was no way he was going to work. I was not going to let him. Our oldest son Dean took him to the hospital in Claresholm the small town where we live to get checked out. Our hospital there is really nothing more than a triage center. The doctor there sent him to High River about 40 minute drive from us for a CAT scan where there are a few more facilities. So Dean right away drove him there. They determined there he had a stroke where they transported him by ambulance to Calgary where they have the best facilities for stroke patients that’s around our area.

My younger son Justin and I then met my husband and Dean in the emergency department of the hospital in Calgary. He was stable, lucid and they were monitoring him quite closely. He was aware of where he was, why he was there and who everyone was.  This was the first time he was admitted to hospital since he was 8 years old when he told me he had his tonsils removed.

The next day they moved him up to the stroke unit where they treated him with blood thinners and antibiotics for pneumonia which contracted on the transport from High River. He was actually doing quite well. When the nurses came to check his vitals he responded very well. He was very sleepy though in which apparently it’s quite common for stroke patients. They started physio therapy that he did well too. He was actually starting to get some movement and strength back on that left side. He was improving day by day so much so that by week 2 the doctors were thinking of sending him to the rehab place where he could continue to receive his physio therapy and get him back on his feet and back home. He was having a bit of pain and discomfort though. We all thought it was because of the stroke and his positioning sometimes in his bed.

The week 3 is when the real nightmare started. His blood platelets had gone down. The doctors were trying to figure that out so they sent a hematologist around to check him out. His left foot also started to swell so they ordered an ultrasound of his legs. They had found blood clots in the legs. Then he had to have a CAT scan of the abdomen area. That’s when I received the devastating news that he had pancreatic cancer and that’s what they had determined caused the stroke. By the next day he was gone. It all went so fast, he never found out exactly what was wrong in which I see now was probably a blessing. I know he wouldn’t have taken it very well.

I never left his side. I spent most of the time encouraging him and cheering him on.  I was with him for the entire 3 weeks except for when I went to clean up at my daughter Tiffany’s place. I slept there every night right in his room next to him in a recliner chair the staff had so graciously provided for me.  Even then I would go to shower,change I would head straight back to the hospital. There was no other place I would rather be. I hated to be gone too long from him. He depended on me to help take care of him and I was more than happy to do so. I love him and that’s where I belonged.

.He was always a very independent person and hated the fact that he had to depend on others to do things for him. Even the most basics like going to the washroom by himself. He was very frustrated. It was hard on him. It was hard on me watching how frustrated he had become.  He compared the hospital to a prison and he to a prisoner.

The last few days he complained more and more of pain and that he was feeling more and more uncomfortable. He pleaded and pleaded that he wanted out. He got out of there just not the way everyone expected.  At least now he’s relieved of all that discomfort and pain and all that frustration.  Even though I miss my Chester like heck and want him here with me, I wouldn’t want to see him suffer like that anymore. For that I thank God that my husband is now pain free and will never be again.  I guess you could say Jesus came and broke him out of that prison.  That I do find comfort in.

 

 

 

 

Something Happened to Me Last Night

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In my sometimes unbearable pain, I’ve been crying out to God to help me, to relieve my pain even just a little bit. I think He did last night for a while.

My mind has been on heaven the last few weeks since Chester went to be with the Lord. So especially at night when I’m trying to go to sleep. Nights are always the worst for me.  I’ve been watching all kinds of videos on You Tube about heaven. Last night I stumbled upon a video that was somewhat of a comfort. It touched not only on heaven but also the new earth that God is going to set up His kingdom on and that’s there we get to live with Him for eternity. Heaven is only a layover.

I get very little sleep these days but I did fall asleep for a little while and when I was sleeping I a had dream about the new earth. My entire family was getting together to have a picnic in this beautiful park. Everything was perfect. The trees, the grass, countless different types of beautiful flowers. You could hear the birds singing. You could hear the water flowing down the stream nearby and it was crystal clear.

All my family was there. My grandparents who had gone to be with the Lord many years ago. My mother who had also been with Jesus in heaven and my Dad.  My brothers Philip and Norman and everyone in their families were there. My 3 kids Dean, Tiffany and Justin  and my grand kids. Even my son Josh who had passed away when he was just 7 years old and my second daughter who had been stillborn. They were there. Both of them were fully grown. And of course my wonderful husband Chester who I love so dearly.  He appeared exactly the way he was when I met him but only better.

There was no one missing. Everyone was there. No one was in a wheelchair. No one was wearing glasses, no one was sick. No one was old and wrinkled and achy.  Everyone was perfect. My oldest brother Ken and his wife, Virginia, who passed away a couple years ago was there. She was perfect, no longer sick.  Their son, my nephew Karry who had been handicapped all his life was perfect. It was so wonderful. We were all full of joy and laughter hugging and greeting one another. I went up to Karry and hugged him for the longest time. There was nothing missing, nothing broken.  Then out of the blue there appeared a figure that was  full of light and pure love. He was full of the Glory. Then there was a sudden silence. Everyone stopped, turned their heads and was in awe. It was Jesus. He had showed up to join us on our picnic. To think Jesus showing up like that to hang out with us. How cool is that!

I don’t know what this all means but it was  somehow comforting and reassuring.The dream didn’t last very long.  It left me with some hope and took away a bit of the pain for a little while.  I think what occurred last night was all God. I can’t say for sure but I think it was His way of letting me know that He’s still  there when I call out to him.

 

 

How Do I Get Through Christmas

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Losing the man I love has left me feeling lonely, empty and abandoned especially right now. Every part of me inside and out hurts. Everything it seems reminds of our life together which leaves a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

It is the Christmas season when one should feel full of joy but I do not. Not this year. This will be the first year in over 40 years I will not have my Chester to share with what should be a happy time. It has barely been a month and that wound is  too fresh and too painful I want to go hide under a rock. It just hurts too much!

A couple of weeks ago my daughter convinced me to go to Walmart with her. I saw all the Christmas displays and it triggered me.  I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I felt a tightness in my chest and throat. It brought back all those memories when Chester and I would go shopping for our family wondering to buy for gifts.  My husband enjoyed browsing around in the stores especially this time of the year. He would always find good bargains he would have to pick up and bring home. Not this year.  I could not wait to get out of that store.

I cannot even bring myself watch any Christmas shows or look at or listen to anything having to do with Christmas and all the lights, decorations, the food and everything else that goes with it.  All these things are just reminders and it is like rubbing salt into a deep fresh wound.

I do not know how or if I can make it through this season. I do not know how much more I can take.  I cry out to God to please help me!

I have to be honest. I know God has promised He will never leave me or forsake me but sometimes I do not feel it.

I know that the real reason for Christmas is the celebration the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ and if it was not for Him I would not have that hope of seeing my husband again and spending eternity with him. But right now it still feels like I am on a deserted island in the middle of the ocean, all alone with no help in sight.

Yeah I know I have my kids and grand kids but it is still not the same without my man. Yes I will try the best I can but  it will be just going through the motions. And I will continue seeking God for my comfort and strength. I have no choice that is all I have.

 

 

 

 

Trying To Make Sense of This Horrible Situation

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As I struggle through this excruciating pain of losing my soulmate, the love of my life, I try to make sense of all of this. The how and the why his life was taken so quickly. He was always so healthy and active before this horrible tragedy.  He was only 73 years old and still working a hard physical job on his feet 8 hours a day lifting heavy sheets of arborite and other materials that he would precisely saw to order in the cabinet shop for the company he worked for that built manufactured housing. He’d get up 5 am every morning and travel an hour and back regardless of the weather.  He did not sit at a desk in front of a screen and keyboard.

He did not showed any signs of any kind of illness to speak of. He always took good care of himself. He was careful about what he put into his body. He was an avid label reader when he’d go to the grocery store. He took various vitamins and supplements and was always very active. Even his oral health he was very particular about spending quite a bit of time each night brushing and cleaning his mouth and always made sure he kept his dental check ups and cleanings up to date.  So why him? Why did this happen to a man who was so diligent about his health?

He had hardly a sick day all the years I have known and loved him except for the odd cold and flu that we all get from time to time and not once in all those years of working did he ever miss a day of work because of sickness.

I tried to think if there was something, anything that we missed. Sometimes I blame myself. How come I didn’t sense that something was wrong early on?  A good wife should be able to sense when something is not right with her husband. How could I miss something as serious as pancreatic cancer? Maybe if we could have caught it early enough to do something about it and my husband could still be here with me but was there anything that could be done?

The only thing I can think of  was a week or two before the stroke, he had some pain in his shoulder and feet but we tacked up to the usual aches and pains one endures as they get older. Something that happens to everyone as they get up in years. You know the achy joints etc.

Chester a good man. A decent man. A good son, a good brother, a good husband,a good father and grandfather.  A man who loved and believed that Jesus is his Lord and Savior. Why did something like this have to happen to him? Out of the blue and so fast?

I struggle everyday with these questions I may never find  the answers to but I will keep asking these questions. But really what good is it?   In the end it doesn’t really change what happened.   In the mean time the pain  I endure from being separated from my love is almost unbearable sometimes I can barely hold on. But I have to remember as a believer in Jesus Christ that we live in a fallen world and that we will go through tribulations.  It’s hard though. Extremely hard.The hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. My stomach still hurts. I wait for the day when I am reunited with the man I love and to see my Lord face to face in heaven to spend all eternity there with them. I have to hang on to that even though nothing makes sense to me right now. I have to look to God’s word for comfort to rely on or I may drive myself crazy.

John 16:33 King James Version (KJV)

33 These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Journey Begins

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It’s been a month and it hurts like heck. I’m so lonely sometimes I want to die. I have this gaping hole inside my heart that feels black and empty. It still doesn’t seem real. How can it be?  A man who takes such good care of himself. Watches what he puts into his body suddenly suffers a stroke, appears like he’s improving and recovering from the stroke then it is discovered it was pancreatic cancer that caused the stroke. And then, all of a sudden without barely and I mean barely within 24 hours of being notified of this devastating news, he deteriorates and he’s gone. All within a 3 week period. It’s all so surreal. Utterly shocking. So bizarre. How could this happen?

You see the love of my life. My man, my beloved husband Chester Fraser went home to be with his Lord and Savior a month ago now, November 2.  We shared everything together. We’ve been together for about 45 years. Married for 41. Now what do I do without him? How can I go on?  I just want to see his face, hear his voice, feel his warm touch. To experience that dry sense of humor of his and to hear his laughter one more time but I can’t. It almost kills me inside. I miss him so much every fiber of my being is literally  in such great pain. I will never be the same again. How do I survive this? Do I survive this?

I know he’s in heaven with Jesus. I know he’s safe and secure. I know he’s with loved ones who have gone on before. I know he doesn’t have to feel pain or sickness anymore. I know he doesn’t have to contend with the evils of this world anymore. I know he doesn’t have to get up early in the morning and drive 100 miles back and forth to work everyday sometimes fighting bad road conditions and nasty weather anymore.  I know he’s happy and content in the arms of Jesus.

But he’s not with me anymore. Sure I have my three kids and they’re great. They’ve been taking great care of me. I don’t know what I would do without them. I have three brothers who have been a great support for me but still it’s not like having your life’s partner, your one flesh, your other half,your spouse, the love of your life next to you. It’s like someone cut off my right arm.

So what do I do now?  The only thing I have to hang on to right now is the hope of being reunited one day to spend eternity with the Lord.  Trusting God one day, one hour, one minute at time sometimes.

Will this pain and agony ever go away? Will there ever be any light at the end of the tunnel. They tell me it will get easier with time.This is a journey I never thought I’d see. A journey I wish I wasn’t on but a journey I have to take. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see.