Category Archives: Uncategorized

Angry At God?

Posted on by
Reply

My husband a very healthy man and suddenly suffers a stroke and right away diagnosed with a deadly cancer that kills him quickly.  I believe that God still heals today. It is scriptural. I prayed to God to heal his body.I believed in my heart God would heal him but God took him home. I believed God would perform a miracle and my love would come back home to me.

It’s Christmas and my heart is broken and I feel cold, lonely and empty. Why would a loving God take the man I love, my soul mate and leave me like this?

Why didn’t he get healed? Why did God allow him to be in pain and discomfort? God is still in the miracle working business last I heard. Why couldn’t my Chester receive a miracle?  Why did this have to happen at all? Why did God allow it?

It’s all been very confusing.I’m still trying to figure it out.  Some of it I still don’t understand but should I be angry at God? To be honest I could be angry at God but I’m not. Not entered my mind at all. When I think about it, how could I be?

God is truly a loving God and wants the best for us. He will never let us down.

I asked God to heal Chester and preform a miracle? Well he is healed now. God did perform a miracle. It didn’t happen the way I expected but he’s perfect now. He’s not in any pain or discomfort anymore and he will never be ever again. He’ll never even get even the slightest a cold anymore. He’s home but home with the Lord and I know it’ll be my home too when God decides to call me.

What about my broke heart?  I’m learning to lean on God more now for help. I can’t do this by myself. I’m actually starting to get closer to the Lord than I have ever been. I know He loves Chester and He also loves me.

We live in a fallen imperfect world where bad stuff happens to good people all the time but we never think it’s going to happen to us. When it does we don’t understand but God is still in control and allows these things to happen for a reason.  He’s smarter than I am even though I think He should certain things the way I want that suits me.

So am I angry?  I don’t have my soulmate and partner anymore to celebrate the special occasions with. I’ll be honest.  Sure I am but not at God, I trust Him. I’m angry at this messed up world.

Isaiah 55:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

How I Am Getting Through The Christmas Season, God’s Gift of Hope

Posted on by
Reply

The first Christmas in 45 years Chester and I won’t be spending Christmas together and it’s very different, painful as hell, lonely and empty. He and I right now would be making last minute preparations for the big day, making sure we had all the gifts we had planned to get for each one in the family. Gathering goodies to put in stockings etc. He would be like he usually does, bringing home treats and snacks galore. He loved this time of the year. I loved spending it with him.

I have been avoiding as much as possible everything that goes along with this time of the year.  I did manage to attend last week a “Cookies and Caroling” event that my granddaughter Esther’s kindergarten class put on. It hurt but I know Chester would want me to go and I didn’t want to let Esther down either.  What got me through was when the kindergarten classes sang “Away In A Manger.” about the baby Jesus. She attends a Catholic school.

There is a family get together this coming Sunday with my brothers, and their families at the nursing home where both my dad and sister-in-law are. I don’t know how I’ll fair.My brothers have been a great support but I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through without falling apart.

The only way I know how to get through this season is that I’ve been focusing like a laser on the real reason we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ who loves us so much that He came to earth as a baby in a manger, grew up as a man, sacrificed Himself on the cross  to pay for our sins when we didn’t deserve it. Rising again to give us  hope, eternal life. the best gift of all time so that we  like Chester can live with Him in heaven forever and ever if we believe in Him.  It’s a  free gift from God the Father, the best Christmas gift ever.

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

I have received that gift. I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and I trust Him. With that gift I can focus and hang on believing and trusting in Jesus Christ resting in the assurance that I will one day be reunited with my Chester and live in eternity with my Savior.  The gift of hope, a blessed hope, my only hope.

 

 

 

No One Will Ever Replace Him

Posted on by
Reply

No one will ever replace my Chester. He will always be first in my heart besides Jesus of course.  From the first time I met him, I felt drawn  towards him and wanted to be in his company. We were friends first and hung out together before we became lovers and then husband and wife.

I will never forget the eye contact we made towards each other. We didn’t have to say a word to each other. He would look into my eyes with warm affection I knew I was loved and wanted and felt safe. Sometimes we didn’t even talk just gazed. He didn’t have to tell me he loved me, his eyes told me. He gazed at me like that even until the end.

I loved it when he would crack jokes using his dry sense of humor. It  lifted me up when I was having a down day even though I didn’t admit it.  I used to tell  him sometimes they were silly jokes but I loved them anyway.

I loved his warm body next to mine especially at night. Hearing him breathe and feeling his heart beating made me feel so warm and secure inside that nothing was going to hurt me and that everything was alright.  I miss the way he would put his arms around to me to comfort me whenever I needed comforting. When I lost Mom,it was the first time I had ever lost someone that close to me, he was right there for me. He didn’t speak many words of comfort, he didn’t need to but instead he would put his arms around me as tight as he could and just hold me. How I miss that warm body next to me. Without him now I always feel cold and lost.

He was always dependable whenever something needed to be done and he did it without really complaining. He made sure the bills were paid on time and that finances were were well managed. He would always buy me my Tim Horton’s latte whenever would go into Timmy’s and always supply me with my chocolate.

He was good father who loved his kids immensely, always worried about them and always wanting the best for them trying at the same time not to spoil them. And he loved his grandchildren too. Always bringing goodies home for them that he would find that he thought they may like.

He loved the people he worked with. He would always talk about them in glowing terms calling them his second family. He looked forward to going to work and spending each day with them. I always loved listening to him talk about work.

Chester was,is, and always will be a very special guy to me. I will never stop loving him. I know he will never stop loving me as well. My one and only true love, my soulmate.

He will never stop loving his kids and grand kids and he will never stop loving those he worked with.

No, no one will ever replace my Chester!

 

I Must Endure

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve felt like I’ve been going through hell the last little while and it’s not subsiding. I’ve been beside myself with pain and grief and anguish. The passing of my Chester is the hardest thing I have had to face.

Even though we had many great years together, I know he’s with the Lord, doing fine and that he’s with our two kids that had gone on before. They both have one of their parents with them finally after so many years. It doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him and the kids like crazy.

I know we are going to have a beautiful reunion one day but until that time I still have family here and I must soldier on. I must honor my husband by living out the rest of my life by completing the task that God has set out for me to do.

I’m pretty independent and don’t like to ask for help much. My daughter made me realize something. As difficult and as painful as it is I can’t do this on my own. If I am to complete what God wants me to do I need to have help. I need to allow for others to love me and help me especially right now.

I have that hope of being with  Chester and other loved ones one day to spend eternity with Jesus in heaven and the new earth and I am really looking forward to it. At the same time there are many out there who do not have that hope.

I want to continue to plant the seeds that my dear husband started to plant in bringing that hope to others so they and their loved ones may also spend eternity together with a  God who is loving and merciful and wants so much that they choose Him so He can shower them with all those wonderful blessings.

I do love and trust God with all my heart and I do want to do what He wants me to do. I want to be able to when the time comes to say like the apostle Paul did.  That hope that I have helps me endure now and I know it will continue to do so.

All for His Glory!

2 Timothy 4:7-8 King James Version (KJV)

7 I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith

Matthew 24:13 King James Version (KJV)

13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

 

 

Rather Spend Time With God

Posted on by
Reply

Since my Chester has gone to be home with the Lord I have found I would sooner spend time alone with God rather than spend time with people. I don’t know if it’s normal after you lose someone you love or not.  I’ve found I feel closer to the man I love and who God chosen for me when I spend more time with the Lord. Maybe that’s why I desire it so much.

I like to pour my heart out to God and tell Him how I feel. I  would sooner  spend time in His word. I like to ask Him questions and ask him for his help. I would rather seek His presence rather any person’s presence. I feel more at home somehow with God. It’s like this world is foreign to me now somehow. Like I’m an alien on a different planet.  I see everything in a different light, a different perspective, a spiritual perspective.  Actually we are spirits who live in physical bodies.

I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven, the afterlife, God, Jesus, the new earth. I’ve been interested in Bible prophecy particular where the book of Revelation is concerned. I’ve been gobbling up everything I find of course according to scripture about that topic. I guess you could say I have had an insatiable appetite for it.  You could say I’ve changed. I don’t walk in the flesh anymore. I have no more desire for worldly things. My sights are set above.

I love my Jesus my Lord and Savior, my King even more now than I did before but I still love my husband intensely as well.

Struggle

Posted on by
Reply

Drought land background, plant struggling for life.

Everyday it’s a struggle. A real fight. My stomach is in knots, my family tries to make me eat. I don’t feel like eating. When I do eat,I have a hard time because I get short of breath and then my stomach hurts even more. Food has been the last thing on my mind the last few weeks.

Sleep. I don’t sleep well at all. I have trouble falling asleep and then when I do sleep it’s only for short periods at a time. Before I would go to bed earlier than Chester. I would doze and be kind of restless, then when he would come I would relax because I knew he was there and I could soundly sleep. I wake up now at least two or three times a night with an empty lonely feeling. It’s difficult to fall back to sleep. I don’t have a real deep sleep anymore.

I don’t feel interested in the things I was interested in before. I used to be interested in politics and current affairs. I don’t pay attention anymore. There were about 2 or 3 different shows on TV I used to really enjoy watching. They don’t interest me anymore.  I loved country music. I haven’t listened to it for awhile and I don’t even miss it.  I haven’t been in any stores for weeks, I have no desire to go.

I used to want to look as good and as youthful as I could. All the lotions and potions I would use. I did it for the man I love. I even invested in a couple of devices I would religiously use to reduce the lines and wrinkles. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Don’t want to. These things don’t matter to me anymore. I just don’t care.

Nothing much in this world I care about anymore except my family and trying to get as many people to accept Jesus as possible so they can spend eternity in heaven and the new earth.  That’s where my heart is right now. It’s a longing for heaven and it’s never been so intense as it is now. It’s like the apostle Paul. He had an intense longing like that too.

Philippians 1:21-30 King James Version (KJV)

21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

22 But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.

23 For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:

24 Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

25 And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;

My struggle I think is because I still physically live in this world and yet my heart and mind are somewhere else.

A Letter to God

Posted on by
Reply

Dear God;

Why did my Chester, the love of my life, the man you put me together with to be my husband have to suffer from a stroke and then pass away from the most horrible kind of cancer there is especially when he took good care of himself and was always health conscience?

As a wife why didn’t I sense that something was wrong?

Could’ve I taken better care of him?

Is there anything that could have been done to prevent it or was it just his time to go home?

But why  now when I still needed him?

Why now when our kids and grand kids still needed him?

Why did this happen to such a good man?

Why didn’t he get the chance to enjoy some kind of retirement?

Is he doing ok?

Is he with our son and daughter who had gone on before?

What about his mother and father? His sister? My mom and grand parents? His grand parents? Is he with them as well?

Does he think about those of us who he left behind?

How do I go on without him here on this earth?

How do I fill that void?

How am I supposed to get through Christmas and every other special times of the year without him?

When is this excruciating pain going to go away?

Will it ever go away?

Will my broken heart ever be mended?

What do I do now?

Some of those questions I already know the answers to. Some will just have to wait. But others I hope you will reveal to me over time. Or maybe I will never get an answer.

I do know he is alright. He’s with you. What better place to be. He is with our son and daughter and he is with the all our other loved ones who had gone on before. I don’t know what you have for me now but until that day you call me home to be with you and my Chester, my kids and my other loved ones, I will look forward to and I will trust you with all my heart.

I thank you that my husband is safe and secure with you and that our son and daughter have their Daddy with them even though I miss them like crazy.  I thank you for those loved ones who have gone on before. They are blessing to me even now because of that hope of being with them again in eternity that you have provided to those of us who put our trust in you.

Your loving daughter,

Darlene

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sleeplessness and Lack of Appetite

Posted on by
Reply

Since this whole travesty started I haven’t had much sleep and I haven’t felt much like eating. I do finally fall asleep watching or listening to a videos about heaven and the new earth and then a couple hours later I’ll wake up. And when I wake up with a feeling of emptiness. I start talking to the Lord and eventually I’ll fall asleep again for a short time. It’s the same cycle night after night. I’m starting to forget what a good night’s sleep is like. I take melatonin which is suppose to help but it hasn’t helped me.

Food and eating?  Don’t get me on that subject, I don’t even think about food. It’s the last thing on my mind. I just don’t desire it. When I do eat I get very full quickly and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I get short of breath when I eat. My stomach is constantly upset and eating seems to make it more upset. I have aches and pains in my entire body. The only reason I eat these days is because my kids harass me and I don’t want to make them mad. Nothing appeals to me. I just feel overwhelmed by everything.

I used to enjoy food. I used to sleep well at night. It’s all changed now. Maybe God will eventually heal me I don’t know but for now this sucks.

My Life Has Forever Changed

Posted on by
Reply

My life will never be the same again, anyway on this earth. It’s been shattered. I was so used to waking up week days Chester getting ready to take off to work. Then getting on with my day doing what I needed to do around the house and in the yard. On weekends we would both sleep in a while and the chat before getting up to get our coffee or tea. Saturday mornings Chester would tune the radio on to his favorite Money Talks show while we would chat some more.

Every night he’d come home from work, check if he got any “hate mail” that’s what he called any bills that arrived,sit down,eat his supper,watch a little TV and we would talk about the day’s events.

We both loved politics and shared similar political points of view. and loved to talk politics. We would also discuss theology as well. Sometimes heated but we did agree on the important stuff such as Jesus is the Son of God and the only way to a eternal life and that we must believe on Him to be saved.

Quite often we would talk about the future and what we would do during retirement like moving to the city, maybe a doing a little traveling, going fishing stuff like that but sadly that is not going to happen. Summer time we would spend a lot good quality time out on the porch with a drink  looking through flyers, talking about everything family,work, the future, politics.  We also loved going shopping together just mostly browsing in the stores. That life is no more. I do cherish it though.

Now I feel empty and alone. No more him getting up early to go work. No more him walking through that door every evening to check the mail and eat his supper. There is no more sleep ins on the weekends chatting before we get up for the day. There will be no more sitting out on the porch enjoying each other’s company. No more planning for out future retirement. No more retirement period. No more browsing in the stores together. No more chatting about politics. Not on this earth anyway.

It just doesn’t seem normal because it’s not and I want that normal back but I can’t have it back. Yes I do cherish that time and I will always have that and remember that. But at the same time I hang on to the fact because we both believe in Jesus Christ as our Savior, we will be together again forever in eternity with Jesus.

Because God has promised new heavens and a new earth I pine for the day, Chester and I will be able to sit on our porch on the new earth, have our drinks and chat til the cows come home.  Maybe Jesus can come and join us once in a while.  We would both love it. We would both love it if everyone would come and join us and spend eternity with Jesus first in heaven then on the new earth,our final destination. It’s so simple.

All you have to do is accept Jesus as your personal savior. It’s a free gift.

Ephesians 2:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

 

Please Make It Stop

Posted on by
Reply

 

The first couple weeks after Chester went home to be with the Lord,I felt numb and in shock. Disbelief. I hardly cried. Now it’s finally sinking in he’s gone.  It’s hitting me and it’s hitting me hard. I feel like I’m trapped in a box with no air, I can’t breathe and I’ll never get out.  I can’t stop crying now.  There’s a hole in my heart and I don’t know if it’ll ever be healed in this world.

I hate what’s going on now. It’s feels like a prison and I’m a prisoner with a life sentence and no chance of parole. I understand how Chester felt when he was in the hospital when he compared it to being in prison.

Having to live without him and going through this pain is like a prison. I feel bound by the heartache and the pain. I’ve been told to be strong for my kids and grand kids.  I can’t do it anymore. I am not strong. I feel sick, incredibly lonely and overwhelmed. I want to be with him so badly. I love him and miss him so much. You know the saying “stop the world and let me off.”  That’s exactly how I feel right now.

How much longer must I endure? I want Jesus to come back so badly I can taste it cause I know I will be reunited with the man I love then. I want Jesus to come back now. I want see his face, to hear his voice, to feel his touch. I want to see my husband’s face, hear his voice and feel his touch. It’ll be then when this pain will go away and Jesus will wipe away my tears and I’ll never have to say goodbye again.  I hate having to wait but I must and that sucks.