This post I am going to be brutally honest,no sugar coating. It’s been a while now since the Lord called the love of my life home. It’s nine months, Last November when out of the blue, a shock to those of us who love and cherish him that he’s been gone from us. Sometimes it still is shocking that such an active and health conscious, wonderful man has moved on to heaven just right after being diagnosed with such a devastating disease like Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  On that day, my life changed forever. We had no idea that he was that sick because he was so healthy up until three weeks before he had his stroke which was brought on by the cancer.

This has been the worst nine months of my entire life. The first few months walking around in a daze trying to take care of what needed to be done as far as his estate goes, wading through reams paper work and documents that made me feel ill every time I even looked at document and it’s still not finished. There’s more to take care of. I’ve tried to be strong trying to deal with and deal with estate issues.  It’s been excruciatingly painful, I could only handle a small amount at a time. It’s been just too overwhelming. Whenever I have to tackled this stuff seems so wrong,it shouldn’t be. Now that I’m almost done, I’ve never really had much of a chance to really grieve until now.

At first there are those who are well meaning calling offering their sympathies and condolences etc. with all kinds of kind words, prayers, advice etc They promise to keep in touch to check on how I’m doing..Then that all fades away.  No one really understands.  All of a sudden you are all alone and everyone I feel seems has forgotten about him..That’s what really hurts the most. I realize life goes on but it does make one feel alone and abandoned. Sometimes I feel like my own kids don’t have much time for me anymore  It’s hard to reach out because I feel like a third wheel and like I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s a lonely empty life.

I’ve tried to go out but that too has been excruciating painful. Chester and I went almost everywhere together. and enjoyed going out together, yes, even shopping. Everything reminds me of him and it hurts so bad.  We were a part of each other, he’s my other half and when one half is missing it’s like a ship without a rudder. It makes me feel lost and in free fall. We spent almost forty-six years together more time than I have ever spent with anyone else in my life. What can I say, it’s really, really hard. My broken heart will never be  mended on this earth. My husband made me feel safe, secure and warm just knowing he  he was around. No one can ever take his place.  It’s gone.

I constantly think of him and miss him very, very much. He was my love, my confidant, my best friend, my protector.   I cry everyday. Some days I can’t even function. I don’t sleep at all at night. I finally fall asleep in very early hours of the morning and then only maybe a couple hours.  I doubt that my pain will ever really go away on this earth. I am comforted though by the fact that my love is safe with the Lord and that the Lord spared him of months maybe even years of suffering. I know my love is happy and content being home in heaven. I know I will be with him again. It doesn’t take away from the fact that’s it’s still an extremely hard and empty existence without him right now.

Losing someone who you deeply love, I shouldn’t say losing, he’s not lost, I know where he is. Being separated is what’s extremely, extremely hard. Most times you wonder how you can go on. Seeking the Lord and reading my Bible – about my blessed hope – is my only solace.   All I can say God is all I have. If I didn’t have God, I honestly don’t know what I would do.  I dream of that day when God calls me home or when Jesus comes in the clouds to gets those of us who believe and love Him. I long for that day. Even though it’s really hard I have to remember that what I’m going through right now is temporary and that I will one day be with the man I love and my God and it will be for eternity.  Through the pain it is hard to remember that because the here and now, it seems time goes excruciatingly slow but in reality it won’t be really that long til that day comes. I guess for now I have to muddle through leaning on my Lord and Savior cause I don’t know what else to do.