Never in a million years did I ever think I would find myself without the love of my life at this point in my life or that he a very health conscious guy would ever suffer a stroke and go home to be with the Lord as a result of pancreatic cancer.  I thought we had a couple more decades to spend together at least.  I took Chester and our life together for granted. I have since learned things can change in an instant. There are no guarantees.

When I examine I all the  time wasted arguing about petty little things,was it worth it? NO! Time I spent centered on myself when I could have spent with my husband. It was so selfish! It was actually wasted time. It would have meant more precious time with him that I can’t spend now.  I wish I had a time machine that I could go back and redo it but I can’t.

He worked so hard for so many years. Sacrificed so much for our family and I didn’t really see it or really appreciate it until now.  I could have been a better wife but I can’t change it. I have to live with it.  I can’t make it up to him, not in this life.

I did spend all of the last three weeks of his life on this earth with him when he was in the hospital. I was at the hospital day and night except to go have shower and a change of clothes. I would go and get a bite to eat, I would try and be as quick as I could because I wanted to be with him. There was no other place I would have rather been.  I wanted to be there. I love and care about him and worried about him.  I was at his side basically all the time. I don’t know if that makes up for all those times before but I had to be with him.

You know it’s just like a line in the song “Big Yellow Taxi”

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got til its gone.

That line is so true.  You really don’t know what you got til it’s gone that’s why since Chester went home. I have such a sense of regret and I’ve been trying to advise couples to cherish and appreciate each other every second they have together even when they fight and argue because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Everything can change in an instant.

God joined us together and I am grateful to God for the time I did have with him on this earth.  I look forward to at the same time being reunited with him one day. It’ll be better.  We will spend eternity together.  I know I won’t take him for granted then. We will both be with our Savior and it’ll be wonderful. No more wasted time!

I still have my kids and grand kids and am trying  not to take for granted the time I currently have with them because who knows what tomorrow will bring.