Monthly Archives: January 2019

Is My Husband Fading From Others Memories?

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Not quite 3 months since the love of my life has been gone and it seems like he’s slowly being erased from existence. It’s bad enough, the banks are slowly erasing his name from accounts. The government is slowly erasing his name from the records. No one talks about him anymore unless I mention his name.

As much as I love my kids,they don’t even mention their Dad’s name unless I do first. Chester is their dad and I know they love and miss him but I wish they would want to talk about him. The memories growing up with their father.  Yes I know they are hurting too but it hurts me more when I want to talk about him and no one seems really interested much about me wanting to talk about him.

I love and miss my Chester so much I do want to talk about him, keep alive and prevent him from being completely forgotten about. I was very close to him and I still do feel close to him. The last three weeks of his life on this earth I was with him almost every minute day and night. I didn’t want to be anywhere else. Now it seems like I’m left alone with my thoughts, my memories, and my tears.

Sometimes I just want God to call me home so that I can join my Chester. I miss him so much.  He knows how lonely and empty I am. He must have a reason. All I think about is going to my heavenly home. Each day I wake up and think it’s one day closer til I can be with my love again.

This earth doesn’t offer much for me without my Chester. I am no longer interested in things of this world. Everything in this world seems evil and corrupt. And it seems it’s getting worse every day.  The only thing I have to hang on to is the hope of joining him.

It may seem sometimes as if I am starting to heal but then that wound reappears again and it’s as fresh and raw as it was in the beginning. My heart is still broken with that dark black gaping hole in the middle.  I don’t know if I’ll ever heal to tell you the truth. Not on this earth I know that much.

The only one I can rely on right now is God and He’s the one who has allowed this to happen. He is sovereign.  I don’t yet know why but I know He’s in control and He has a plan. I have to trust that plan whatever it may be even if I don’t understand. I don’t understand. The only thing I know is that my Chester is safe with Him and is keeping him til one day whether it been sooner or later we will be reunited.

I know our time here is very short but still one day seems like an awfully long time. I don’t know maybe I’m impatient. Patience has never been one of my virtues. I really look forward to that day. It can’t be soon enough as far as I’m concerned.

My loving husband was a good man. He cared about his fellow human beings. He hated watching what the world was coming to. All the evil, corruption and violence. It made him sick. He was a good husband,father and grandfather, a good worker and a good friend. I’m afraid if he hasn’t already he’ll be forgotten about. I don’t want to see that happen.

When You Love Someone

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When you love someone as long and as deeply as I love my Chester, it’s incredibly hard when you have to say goodbye. We had been together for the better part of 45 years. That’s a long time by today’s standards. I have known him since I was 16 when my brother introduced us to each other and you could say the rest is history.

The first time we met I thought oh, he’s just another guy. Guys come and go never thought anything would ever come of it.  But there was something about Chester. I couldn’t get him out of my head. I did think it was cool he was from England and all but it was more than that. And from his end he told me later on he thought I was cute. He wanted to take me out.

We started off by just hanging out as friends getting to know each other. I always had this thing about taking things slow with a guy. I never wanted to move to fast with any guy. So we took our time. The more time we spent together the more of a connection we made. We were of like minded on so many issues not everything but many. It wouldn’t be normal if we agreed on everything all the time.

It really didn’t take that long before we found we were soulmates. We fell in love. There was a spiritual connection.  Chester was always a gentleman, never crossing boundaries. In fact the first time we kissed, he asked me if was OK. He said later, “Your lips looked like they needed kissing”

We fell in love and we both fell hard and deep. He spent a lot of time with my family and he noticed how much I loved them. One evening after we had spent the day with my family he told me when I love I love deep. That’s true. It goes for him too. By that time we had fallen so deeply for each other we couldn’t see living the rest of our lives without one another.

Our connection was so intense that there were times we didn’t even have to talk. We would just gaze into each other’s eyes and we knew what each other was saying.When I lost my mother he was right there to comfort me. He never had to say a word, he just held me tightly in his arms. He loved her too. She became a second mother to him. His mother was still in England so my mom mothered him.

Even though we were intensely close, it wasn’t always bliss. Like every other normal couple we had our times after we got married. Our ups and downs. Our marriage was kind of rocky after we lost our 7 year old son in 1993 from complications from heart surgery. We both grieved in differently. He would shut himself off and I wanted to vent so then I would retreat and shut myself off.  A mother grieves differently than a father does.  That lasted a couple years then we came back together again. We still loved each other through that tough period. Even since then it always hasn’t been perfect but our love never failed.

We did so many things together. We gardened together, went places, we shopped together, sometimes I helped him work on his vehicles. We spent so much time together. I always felt so safe and secure when he was around.

When you love someone so deeply like that and you lose them it’s like losing a part of you like losing your right arm. It leaves a big black empty hole that no one can fill. The pain is excruciating,and you don’t know if you can even go on.

There will never be anyone else like him. We are one flesh.  No one else will ever take his place as long as I’m walking this earth. He is my best friend, my lover, soulmate, the love of my life. We are spiritually connected and always will be.  I’m looking forward to the day when we are reunited. When we embrace each other and gaze into each other’s eyes, I know I am home, safe and where I should be. We will never again have to say goodbye.  Neither one of us will ever get sick,old, or sad. We will do and experience so many more things together and spend all the time we want, it’ll be forever. Our relationship I believe will be even stronger and best of all it’ll be total bliss in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ.

 

God Really Loves Us

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God’s love is real. It is deep. Before all this happened losing first my mother, then my infant daughter, my son, and most recently my husband, I was a Christian and loved the Lord and I knew He loved me. But it took the death of my beloved husband Chester, the love of my life,my soulmate, my partner that I really realized the true love of God. I knew God loved me but I had never felt it like I do now.

I think when you have spouse who you shared years of intimacy with,who you shared your hopes and dreams with. Someone whose shoulder was there to cry on when something went wrong.  Someone you felt free to vent your frustrations with, the person who you are most close to and feel safe with, you know each other so well, you know what each other’a thoughts. When that love of your life is called home to be with the Lord, you feel like part of you is gone, your feel lost and empty.  There’s a big gaping dark hole and nothing there to fill it. You feel nobody understands or cares. You don’t where to turn, so you turn to God. I knew that from being taught that as a child because He is my only hope.

God was and still is and always will be right there for me. I turned to Him when I lost my other family members, he got me through but it wasn’t until now I have really felt His true love for me.  He has shown me His love everyday and every night since.

Sometimes especially in the middle of the night I feel His arms around me to comfort me and makes me feel safe.  He assures me everything will be alright and I will get through this tough time. He reminds me of that hope and promise that He has so mercifully and graciously provided of being reunited with my husband and my other family members one day in heaven.

I feel His love surround me when I read His word, when I pray, when I listen to a teacher teaching the authentic Word of God.  My sons took me to church last Sunday and it was there I  truly felt safe and felt the love of God and His presence  while I was there.  So I know God is there for me all the time for me all I have to do is open myself up and let Him show His love towards me. I am open for whatever God wants for me. I am all His because no matter what I know He will never leave nor forsake me.

He loves my Chester so much He rescued Chester from months of pain and agony and frustration and took him to a place where there is no pain, no agony, and no frustration. A place where there is rest and peace.  A place where the love of God permeates the whole  atmosphere. A place where my husband is safe, happy, and waiting  til it’s time for me to join him.

God’s love is pure,it’s unconditional, it’s real, and it’s enduring. I can’t wait to experience that true love of God when I meet Him face to face when I get to heaven.  I can only imagine how glorious it’s going to be.

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Romans 8:38-39 King James Version (KJV)

38 For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,

39 Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

1 John 4:9 King James Version (KJV)

9 In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.

1 John 4:16 King James Version (KJV)

16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him.

1 John 4:18 King James Version (KJV)

18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

 

 

 

Sovereignty of God

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When my Chester suffered his stroke I believed God would completely heal him and we would go home and get on with our life. I had steadfast faith and prayed for that to happen. Many people in fact prayed for complete healing for him but it didn’t happen. He went home to be with Jesus.

I have believed for many years that we serve a God who performs miracles and as far as I know is still in that business so why didn’t He heal my husband?  I’ve spent many hours searching and asking God why. Why was he even afflicted? A previously strong healthy man. I don’t why God allowed that to happen in the first place.

Did I not have enough faith? I wasn’t the only one praying for healing many others were too.

Did he not get healed because of sin with either Chester or me? In the Bible Jesus came across a man who was blind from birth and his disciples asked him who sinned?  And Jesus told him it was not because of sin he was born blind.

John 9 King James Version (KJV)

9 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?

3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.

So why? I was reading in the book of Job where Job lost everything. His wealth, his servants, his ten grown children died and top that all off he got painful boils all over his body from his head to his feet. Job suffered without a cause.

Job 2:3 King James Version (KJV)

3 And the Lord said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause.

Job 9:17 King James Version (KJV)

17 For he breaketh me with a tempest, and multiplieth my my wounds without cause.

Sometimes God allows certain trials to shape and to mold us. He has a plan He’s in control and sees the bigger picture. He is sovereign,we are not. Sometimes we just want our own will instead of His. His ways are always better than our ways. We have to submit to His will. Jesus had to in the garden of Gethsemane when He was praying to the Father just before he was taken to be crucified to pay the price for our sins.

Luke 22:42 King James Version (KJV)

42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

Sometimes God does answer our prayers but not in the way we expect. Like I said I believed God would perform a miracle heal Chester and we would resume our normal life but actually God did heal him just not on this earth. But God did perform a miracle. Chester did get healed when he went to be with Jesus in heaven where there is no sickness or disease at all.

Revelation 21:4 King James Version (KJV)

4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Here on earth we all have corruptible mortal bodies. At the resurrection all believers get incorruptible immortal bodies. We get bodies just like Jesus when he was resurrected on the third day.

1 Corinthians 15 King James Version (KJV)

51 Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,

52 In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.

53 For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.

54 So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.

55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

The way Chester got healed was not the way I was expecting but really if you think about it, it’s much better. He’s healed and won’t get sick ever again not even a cold or a headache again. Yeah he’s not with me or the rest of our family but he’s with our other kids that haven’t seen their dad in years. Yeah I’m lonely and empty inside without him but the hope and the thought of being together with again someday gives me the strength to go on.

I know there were lives touched by Chester while he was still here on this earth.  I know I wasn’t quite as close to God before as I am now. I know God is a loving merciful gracious God and I am more heavenly minded and want souls to be saved from hell and go to heaven now. I have to trust God knows what He’s doing and submit to His will.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Set Free From Worldly Cares

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The other day I was paying the natural gas bill and I noticed just the carbon tax alone was exorbitant. I thought to myself this is the kind of thing Chester hates and would always complain about. Then I thought at least he doesn’t have to put up with that kind thing anymore. He’s free from all of that. I have to admit I felt a little envious. I still  have to deal with the bills, and taxes and stuff like that.

He’s free from  lying politicians and corrupt government who everyday infringes on our rights and freedoms and forcefully grabs our money in the form of taxes and fees etc. It seems to get worse and worse each day. He doesn’t have to listen the deceitful media who feed the masses propaganda.

He’s free from watching all the violence, all the pain and suffering that is occurring and all the evil that goes on in the world and it keeps waxing worse all the time. He hates evil. This world it seems is going to hell in a hand basket and it’s not going to change for the better. It will keep getting worse until Jesus comes back.

He’s free from all the sickness and disease and will never again suffer. He will never again go through any pain, or discomfort physically, mentally or emotionally.  He doesn’t have to worry about the weather or all those little things that bog us down on this earth. He’s safe, happy, healthy, and doesn’t have to worry about anything. He’s with Jesus. He left all those worldly cares behind.

Yes it does make me a little envious. I want to be there so badly too. I want to be free as well. It makes feel a little homesick for heaven, my real home. Right now I have one foot there and one foot here.  I will get there but I know not right now. There are too many souls who are lost and suffering that I know God wants me to help.

The time here on this earth till we believers get to go home seems so long but overall our time here is very short, but a vapor compared to eternity. Even one day for me seems like a long time but really it won’t be that long til Jesus comes back to take us all home.

God is loving, patient, merciful and gracious and He wants as many as possible to be with Him but it’s up to us to make that choice.

Joshua 24:15 King James Version (KJV)

15 And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

One day I won’t have to be envious anymore because I choose to  be free of all of these headaches this world brings like Chester did. I too will be leaving all the cares of this world behind.  I will be right there with my Chester and all our family enjoying eternity with the Lord.

We both have chosen Jesus because He is the only one who actually promises to provide us a better life after this one. And it’s only through Him that we can be set free from this world and spend eternity in heaven with Him.

John 14:6 King James Version (KJV)

6 Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.

 

Setting Sights Above

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Since my husband, the love of my life, Chester has gone home to be with the Lord, I’ve been thinking more and more about heaven. I did the same thing right after our son Josh was called home but it waned after awhile. Our other children were still quite young at the time and they had to be looked after so I couldn’t spend too much with my head in the “clouds” so it waned after a while.

The other kids are grown now. I don’t have many other distractions so I spend a lot of my time thinking about and learning about heaven and the end times. I feel more motivated now  I think, because my husband and two of our kids are there right now and wonder what it’s like and what they’re doing. I most definitely want to be reunited them and have our whole family together more than anything. Above all I want to spend eternity with God.

Heaven, what a great place. We don’t have to put with all the pain,suffering and corruption of this world. A place of peace, joy, complete love. No war or poverty. It’s a place where there is no sickness or disease, not even any hearing aids or glasses. No wheel chairs or walkers. It’s a wonderful place. It’s a place where there is no tears except for joy. No sorrow, no sadness or depression and definitely it’s place where there will be no more death. We never going have to say good bye to a loved one because they died.

Chester is there right now. He couldn’t be in a better place. Better than on this earth especially the way it is right now and it’s not getting any better.  He’s safe, he’s happy, he’s completely whole physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I’m sure he’s experiencing all kinds of wonderful things we could only dream of here. I could only imagine.

He’s in heaven because he believed that Jesus is the Son of God who loves us so much He came to earth as a man, suffered and died on the cross for our sins, and rose again on the third day and is now sitting on the right hand of the Father in heaven. He believed that  one day Jesus is coming back to get all those believers who are still alive so that we can all live and  reign with Christ for all eternity. He believed that Jesus is the only way to get to heaven.

I believe the same as Chester because that’s what my Bible tells me.  I will one day be with Jesus and I believe both Chester and I will spend forever with our whole family. What a great time that is going to be! Can’t wait!

So yeah I’m setting my sights above knowing that while still on this earth I have work that God still has for me to do.

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Taking Things For Granted

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Never in a million years did I ever think I would find myself without the love of my life at this point in my life or that he a very health conscious guy would ever suffer a stroke and go home to be with the Lord as a result of pancreatic cancer.  I thought we had a couple more decades to spend together at least.  I took Chester and our life together for granted. I have since learned things can change in an instant. There are no guarantees.

When I examine I all the  time wasted arguing about petty little things,was it worth it? NO! Time I spent centered on myself when I could have spent with my husband. It was so selfish! It was actually wasted time. It would have meant more precious time with him that I can’t spend now.  I wish I had a time machine that I could go back and redo it but I can’t.

He worked so hard for so many years. Sacrificed so much for our family and I didn’t really see it or really appreciate it until now.  I could have been a better wife but I can’t change it. I have to live with it.  I can’t make it up to him, not in this life.

I did spend all of the last three weeks of his life on this earth with him when he was in the hospital. I was at the hospital day and night except to go have shower and a change of clothes. I would go and get a bite to eat, I would try and be as quick as I could because I wanted to be with him. There was no other place I would have rather been.  I wanted to be there. I love and care about him and worried about him.  I was at his side basically all the time. I don’t know if that makes up for all those times before but I had to be with him.

You know it’s just like a line in the song “Big Yellow Taxi”

Don’t it always seem to go
That you don’t know what you’ve got til its gone.

That line is so true.  You really don’t know what you got til it’s gone that’s why since Chester went home. I have such a sense of regret and I’ve been trying to advise couples to cherish and appreciate each other every second they have together even when they fight and argue because you don’t know what tomorrow will bring. Everything can change in an instant.

God joined us together and I am grateful to God for the time I did have with him on this earth.  I look forward to at the same time being reunited with him one day. It’ll be better.  We will spend eternity together.  I know I won’t take him for granted then. We will both be with our Savior and it’ll be wonderful. No more wasted time!

I still have my kids and grand kids and am trying  not to take for granted the time I currently have with them because who knows what tomorrow will bring.

 

 

 

 

 

Live Everyday As Though It Were Your Last

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Going through this most painful time in my life losing the love of my life, I’ve learned a few things.

  1. I’ve learned that this life is fragile.  It can be robust one minute, the next minute it can be gone.

    Psalm 39:4 King James Version (KJV)

    4 Lord, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is: that I may know how frail I am.

  2. Nothing on this earth is certain. Even though we might live a clean healthy, active  life, there things beyond our control. Nothing on this earth is certain.We may still be stricken with sickness and disease
  3. Cherish each moment with your loved ones even when you have quarrels and disagreements. God could call them home at a moments notice.
  4. To live each as though it were your last. My mother always told us that. She was wise and because we never know when we will breathe our last breath. Only God knows

    James 4:13-15 King James Version (KJV)

    13 Go to now, ye that say, To day or to morrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain:

    14 Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

    15 For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.

  5. To prepare ourselves for the next life when God calls us. If we want to spend eternity in heaven with Him we need to make sure our names are written in the Lamb’s book of Life. It’s simply to believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. He loves us so much that He died to take away our sins so that we live with Him in eternity forever.  It’s a gift and it’s free.

    John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)

    16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

    Acts 16:31 King James Version (KJV)

    31 And they said, Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved, and thy house.

  6. Trust God no matter what. I have grown closer to God now more than I have ever been. Because I know my Chester is with Him and is safe and secure and that I know because I believe Jesus Christ as my personal savior, I know I will one day be reunited with my husband and my two kids that went to be with Jesus years ago,one day. I have that hope and that’s what I lean on. Jesus gives me comfort. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have that hope. He has promised me He will never leave me nor forsake me.

Deuteronomy 31:6 King James Version (KJV)

  1. 6 Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the Lord thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.

Hebrews 13:5 King James Version (KJV)

  1. 5 Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

 

 

 

Beautiful Dream

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Last night before I went to sleep during my nightly prayer, I asked God about my husband where he was, what he was doing etc. Then what I believe was God sent, a beautiful dream with my husband and our precious daughter that we lost during her birth many years ago.

Our beautiful daughter heard that her Dad was arriving in heaven filled with anticipation she excitedly got herself ready to greet him. She looked so beautiful. She put on a gorgeous white dress with a gold belt around the waist. She did her medium to dark brown shiny silk hair so that it flowed down her shoulders.

She was so happy to finally see her Dad who she really never got to meet. She took him into her mansion that had so much what we would call natural light that it made the walls glow. Light much brighter than we have here. He sat down on the really nice white sofa she had and served him some snacks. She knew he enjoyed his snacks here. What she served him was what I would call “manna”  It was tiny little white pieces that looked like it was something between a fluffy white bread and popcorn.  She informed him that our son Josh who was already in heaven, was on his way and was dropping by.

She asked him to update her on me her Mom, her brothers, Dean and Justin, and her sister Tiffany and her family.  She said to him, “Tell me about Mom. Tell me about Dean. Tell me about Justin, Tell me about Tiffany and her family.”

Then that was all I saw. I don’t know if the dream was some kind of confirmation from God my husband is really in heaven and that all is well or that it’s just a dream. I know God can speak through dreams so I don’t know.  Was it a little glimpse of what’s going on up there?

That dream was rather comforting nonetheless.

 

 

 

 

Priority for This Year

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It’s a new year.  Little did I know last year at this time that in a year’s time I would be struggling with the emptiness and the loneliness without my dear husband. A year ago Chester and I were kind of planning that he would work one more year and then retire this up and coming spring. We were going to enjoy the rest of our lives together taking it easy and doing the things we most love to do. Maybe even trying new and different things to keep us challenged. But alas that was not meant to be. Those plans were thwarted. God had a different plan.

I know 2019 is going to be a very difficult year for me. Not only do I have to deal with the pain. I know it’s a process having dealt with the loss of mother, then my baby daughter and then my son Josh. It took a long time each time. I’m still not really over those losses. My Chester was there for me. He went through those losses with me. Now it’s him I have lost. I think losing a spouse is much worse than any other loss.

I have to deal with the practical too. All the financial and legal aspects which I have no idea what I’m doing. It’s not easy.  It’s so overwhelming. Makes me nauseous whenever I have to fill out a form. Fortunately we didn’t have any real debt just mainly the day to day monthly bills so I guess that makes it a little easier to handle but still I’ll be glad when it’s all done.

I  learned the last little while that we cannot take for anything for granted. Life is short and the time we have on this earth is but a vapor.  It’s fragile. Life can be robust one minute and then the next minute gone. We have set priorities. That’s why putting my faith not in this world but in God who promised a better life and  an eternal life in the next world is now my priority. I want to continue to get closer to the Lord spending more time in His Word and more time communing with Him.

Putting God first in my life is my main focus not only in this year but  for what ever time He has left for me in this world.

Matthew 6:19-21 King James Version (KJV)

19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

 

Proverbs 3:6 King James Version (KJV)

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.