Monthly Archives: December 2018

Counting the Blessings

Posted on by
Reply

Image result for counting the blessings

 

It’s been told to me starting with my parents many years ago there’s a reason for everything. Most recently with the passing of the love of my life,Chester, there are those who have said that there is a reason why this happened. That God took him for a reason and to look for the positives or the blessings in all of this. There are blessings in this? How can that be? The man that I had been with for 45 years who I deeply love suffers a stroke, diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and is gone all withing 3 weeks. There is certainly nothing positive about that at all.

I began thinking OK, is there anything blessing through this? I actually did come up with a few.

1. Chester is at home in heaven with Jesus. No better place to be, in presence of of our loving savior. He is safe and secure for all of eternity.

2. He didn’t  have to suffer for months or years going through tests, procedures, etc. from one of the worst forms of cancer.  He hated hassle.

3. Jesus came and broke him out of that prison of not being independent the way he had been used to,the pain and discomfort, and just being in the hospital he described as a prison and he was a prisoner.

4. He’s now with our son and daughter who have been in heaven and hasn’t seen for a long time.  They now have their Dad who they hadn’t really spent much time with on earth.  That gives me some comfort. They at least have one of their parents for now.

5. He’s with his parents and sister. A wonderful family reunion to catch up on some things.

6.  He’s with my mom whom he adored and she thought of him like one of her biological sons.

7. He doesn’t have to go through any more pain or suffering anymore. He is completely healed and made whole.

8. He doesn’t have to put up with this corrupt world anymore. It’s literally going to hell in a hand basket. Evil is waxing worse and worse all the time and the worst is yet to come. Chester hates evil and didn’t like where the world was headed.

9. There is the hope I lean on that both he and I will be reunited one day and I will once again be able to tell him how much I love him.

10. The hope that our whole family will be together and spend many,many many wonderful times with Jesus and the angels in heaven for eternity.

11. Chester and I produced some wonderful kids. They have been taking good care of me. They are truly a blessing along with the grand kids. Don’t know what I would without them.

12. My brothers have been such a great support anytime I need them. I am grateful for them and their families. I love them all.

11. The hope of no more tears,sorrow, heartache, sickness, disease or death forever.  There’s nothing like that in heaven.

When I really think about it going through the pain and heartache and the loneliness, there are truly some blessings. God in His infinite wisdom, His unconditional love and mercy saw fit to spare my Chester from worse suffering and pain from the most horrendous form of cancer, pancreatic cancer. He saw fit to spare myself and my kids from watching my beloved husband go through that terrible suffering and pain that accompanies that horrible disease. Chester hated what little pain he had gone through, so he would have hated months and years of suffering like that even more. Going through tests,and procedures and who knows what.  He also would not have wanted me nor the kids to watching him suffer. He would have hated that too.

I don’t think God wanted it either so God showed mercy, knew Chester hated hassle and relieved him from it.

Does this make my pain go away?  No not really. I won’t ever be completely healed of this pain until I see my husband again and I am in the arms of Jesus. But at least it gives me a bit of comfort and hope as I struggle through.

My Support System

Posted on by
Reply

Image result for jesus comforts me

This Christmas season, the first since my Chester is gone has been proven to be the loneliest,emptiest, the most heartbreaking one I have ever spent.  It’s just not the same. It’s the time of year when you spend the most joyous times with the ones who are closest to you, full of fun, laughter, and full of love.  When you spend 45 Christmases together with the love of your life then they’re gone, all that’s left is an empty hole and nothing can really fill it because everything reminds you of the good times and it triggers you.

I was so tempted to go and hide under a rock and spend the season by myself afraid of spoiling it for everyone else but my kids made me spend it with them. I had to remember they lost their Dad and they’re grieving too. We spent it at my daughter’s place. It was tough but we got through it supporting each other.  The grand kids help too. They miss their Papa 2 but everyone tried to make it as normal as possible for them.

I also have 3 wonderful brothers who have been there for me and we had a Christmas dinner at the nursing home that both my Dad who will be 103 years old next May, and my sister in law are being cared for on Sunday. It turned out better than I thought.Only 2 of my brothers showed up. One couldn’t make because his son was in the hospital and he had to tend to him. I totally get that. He’s been a tremendous help to me. He knows what it’s like to lose the love of your life. He lost his wife a couple years ago as a result of cancer. So he’s gone through it too. He’s also the one who got Chester and I together.

My dad has dementia and doesn’t remember or understand much anymore but he was a great support for me none the less. I held his hand and talked with him for most of the time I was there. I told him how much I love him and how he has always been a good Dad. That he raised me to be the person that I am today teaching me right from wrong and  he and Mom making sure I went to church etc. I was so emotional, he sensed something was going on with me. Out of the blue he turned his head, looked me straight in the eyes and said to me,”What’s wrong?” So I told him the best I knew how that his son-in-law who he thought the world of, was in heaven with Mom. He then squeezed my hand even harder than he already had been. I believe he understood and was trying to comfort the best way he knew how. That meant the world to me.

The one I rely on the most is my Jesus. I ask Him every morning to get me through another day. He’s been there when I wake up in the middle of the night cold and lonely and I need someone to talk to.  I trust Him to guide me as to what do I do next without my husband.

Until that day I am reunited with my husband,I have to find a way to go on. Yeah everyone has been great but it’s still not the same.  No my life on this earth will never be the same again.

John 14:18-20 King James Version (KJV)

18 I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you.

19 Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.

20 At that day ye shall know that I am in my Father, and ye in me, and I in you.

Hebrews 13:5 King James Version (KJV)

5  :for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

 

First Christmas In Heaven

Posted on by
Reply

This is your first Christmas in heaven my love and I bet you’re having a glorious time looking into the face of Jesus and wishing him Happy Birthday. It must be awesome! The best gift to mankind ever.  And listening to the angelic choir singing “Glory to God in the highest.” Now that has to be beautiful to hear that. I can’t wait to see my Jesus face to face and greet Him and to listen to the angelic choir.  Actually makes me feel a bit jealous and homesick for heaven but I’ll get my chance yet when God calls me.

In the mean time it comforts me that you’re spending this Christmas with Josh and our baby girl. I bet they’re both thrilled to have their Dad with them this year. We do miss you here though. We miss your warm presence and your laughter. We miss watching you enjoying your Christmas dinner and all those treats and goodies. We miss your humor when you’re opening your gifts saying all you wanted was socks and chocolate. The kids miss you, your grand kids miss you, and most of all I miss you so much. I wish you were here. This Christmas is so lonely and empty without you but at least it gives comfort that you’re spending this holiday with our other two kids and of course Jesus Christ Himself.

Even though my heart aches for you,I can only imagine the wonderful Christmas you’re having. I look forward to the day when our whole family can spend Christmases together at home with our Lord and Savior listening to that angelic choir singing beautiful tunes. It’s going to be much better than those Christmases we spent together here on earth.  It’s going be great time!  Can’t wait!

“My First Christmas in Heaven”

I see the countless Christmas Trees around the world below,
with tiny lights, like heaven’s stars, reflecting on the snow.
The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,
for I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,
but the sounds of music can’t compare with the Christmas choir up here.
I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
for it is beyond description, to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me. I see the pain inside your heart,
but I am not so far away. We really aren’t apart.
So be happy for me dear ones. You know I hold you dear,
and be glad I’m spending Christmas, with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of, my undying love.
After all “LOVE” is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do,
for I can’t count the blessing or love he has for each of you.
So have a Merry Christmas and wipe away that tear,
Remember, I’m spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

~~Author Unknown

Merry Christmas From Heaven   

by John W. Mooney, Jr.
I still hear the songs,
I still see the lights,
I still feel your love
On cold wintery nights,
I still share your hopes
And all your cares
I’ll even remind you
To please say your prayers.
I just want to tell you
You still make me proud.
You stand head and shoulders
Above all the crowd.
Keep trying each moment
To stay in His grace
I came here before you
To help set your place.
You don’t have to be
Perfect all the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue to climb.
To my family and friends
Please be thankful today
I’m still close beside you
In a new special way.
I love you all dearly
Now don’t shed a tear
Cause I’m spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.

What We Would Be Doing

Posted on by
Reply

As I have said on a previous post Chester loved Christmas and I loved spending it with him. Now just a few days out from actual Christmas day, both Chester and I would be enjoying the season chatting together sipping on our coffee and eating shortbread and gingerbread that I had freshly baked wondering if we had gotten enough gifts for everyone or if there’s anything else we need to get. He loved shortbread. That’s what he would grab  first and quickly gobble it down.. It was the shortbread that would always disappear first.

We usually decided that we needed to pick up at least a couple more items just make  sure. So we’d go out and frantically do our last last minute shopping. Chester always determined we needed more a little food and goodies so he would bring home way more than we would consume. That’s one thing, he always made sure there was always plenty in the house to eat. So much so sometimes I had to tell him we have enough, no more. I would send him to the grocery store to pick up two items, he’d come home with fifty.

Every year I would designate him to wrap gifts, he was better at it than I am. He didn’t seem to mind. Me, I hate wrapping. Instead I would write the tags. He said I was better at that. So that’s how we did things.

He was great helping around the house getting things done. I would always panic wanting that perfect Christmas but he would always tell me just to relax and not to worry  it doesn’t matter. What gets done, gets done. What doesn’t, doesn’t.

There were the classic Christmas movies he enjoyed like Charlie Brown Christmas, It’s a Wonderful Life, Mr. Bean  and of course his favorite,Scrooge. The fifties black and white version with Alistair Sims.

I’m really feeling empty and missing doing all of that with him. We were a  team. Christmas happened. Not perfect but it happened and it was highly enjoyable. It was enjoyable because we were together with the family and that’s the most important part. I cherish all those wonderful Christmases and always will but this year it’s without him and it’s killing me inside. Christmas will never be the same again for me on this earth; anyway.

A Christmas song Chester enjoyed  listening to by Johnny Reid

Here is another song Chester liked

Angry At God?

Posted on by
Reply

My husband a very healthy man and suddenly suffers a stroke and right away diagnosed with a deadly cancer that kills him quickly.  I believe that God still heals today. It is scriptural. I prayed to God to heal his body.I believed in my heart God would heal him but God took him home. I believed God would perform a miracle and my love would come back home to me.

It’s Christmas and my heart is broken and I feel cold, lonely and empty. Why would a loving God take the man I love, my soul mate and leave me like this?

Why didn’t he get healed? Why did God allow him to be in pain and discomfort? God is still in the miracle working business last I heard. Why couldn’t my Chester receive a miracle?  Why did this have to happen at all? Why did God allow it?

It’s all been very confusing.I’m still trying to figure it out.  Some of it I still don’t understand but should I be angry at God? To be honest I could be angry at God but I’m not. Not entered my mind at all. When I think about it, how could I be?

God is truly a loving God and wants the best for us. He will never let us down.

I asked God to heal Chester and preform a miracle? Well he is healed now. God did perform a miracle. It didn’t happen the way I expected but he’s perfect now. He’s not in any pain or discomfort anymore and he will never be ever again. He’ll never even get even the slightest a cold anymore. He’s home but home with the Lord and I know it’ll be my home too when God decides to call me.

What about my broke heart?  I’m learning to lean on God more now for help. I can’t do this by myself. I’m actually starting to get closer to the Lord than I have ever been. I know He loves Chester and He also loves me.

We live in a fallen imperfect world where bad stuff happens to good people all the time but we never think it’s going to happen to us. When it does we don’t understand but God is still in control and allows these things to happen for a reason.  He’s smarter than I am even though I think He should certain things the way I want that suits me.

So am I angry?  I don’t have my soulmate and partner anymore to celebrate the special occasions with. I’ll be honest.  Sure I am but not at God, I trust Him. I’m angry at this messed up world.

Isaiah 55:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.

9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

How I Am Getting Through The Christmas Season, God’s Gift of Hope

Posted on by
Reply

The first Christmas in 45 years Chester and I won’t be spending Christmas together and it’s very different, painful as hell, lonely and empty. He and I right now would be making last minute preparations for the big day, making sure we had all the gifts we had planned to get for each one in the family. Gathering goodies to put in stockings etc. He would be like he usually does, bringing home treats and snacks galore. He loved this time of the year. I loved spending it with him.

I have been avoiding as much as possible everything that goes along with this time of the year.  I did manage to attend last week a “Cookies and Caroling” event that my granddaughter Esther’s kindergarten class put on. It hurt but I know Chester would want me to go and I didn’t want to let Esther down either.  What got me through was when the kindergarten classes sang “Away In A Manger.” about the baby Jesus. She attends a Catholic school.

There is a family get together this coming Sunday with my brothers, and their families at the nursing home where both my dad and sister-in-law are. I don’t know how I’ll fair.My brothers have been a great support but I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through without falling apart.

The only way I know how to get through this season is that I’ve been focusing like a laser on the real reason we celebrate Christmas, the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ who loves us so much that He came to earth as a baby in a manger, grew up as a man, sacrificed Himself on the cross  to pay for our sins when we didn’t deserve it. Rising again to give us  hope, eternal life. the best gift of all time so that we  like Chester can live with Him in heaven forever and ever if we believe in Him.  It’s a  free gift from God the Father, the best Christmas gift ever.

John 3:16 King James Version (KJV)

16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Ephesians 2:8-9 King James Version (KJV)

8 For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:

9 Not of works, lest any man should boast.

I have received that gift. I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and I trust Him. With that gift I can focus and hang on believing and trusting in Jesus Christ resting in the assurance that I will one day be reunited with my Chester and live in eternity with my Savior.  The gift of hope, a blessed hope, my only hope.

 

 

 

No One Will Ever Replace Him

Posted on by
Reply

No one will ever replace my Chester. He will always be first in my heart besides Jesus of course.  From the first time I met him, I felt drawn  towards him and wanted to be in his company. We were friends first and hung out together before we became lovers and then husband and wife.

I will never forget the eye contact we made towards each other. We didn’t have to say a word to each other. He would look into my eyes with warm affection I knew I was loved and wanted and felt safe. Sometimes we didn’t even talk just gazed. He didn’t have to tell me he loved me, his eyes told me. He gazed at me like that even until the end.

I loved it when he would crack jokes using his dry sense of humor. It  lifted me up when I was having a down day even though I didn’t admit it.  I used to tell  him sometimes they were silly jokes but I loved them anyway.

I loved his warm body next to mine especially at night. Hearing him breathe and feeling his heart beating made me feel so warm and secure inside that nothing was going to hurt me and that everything was alright.  I miss the way he would put his arms around to me to comfort me whenever I needed comforting. When I lost Mom,it was the first time I had ever lost someone that close to me, he was right there for me. He didn’t speak many words of comfort, he didn’t need to but instead he would put his arms around me as tight as he could and just hold me. How I miss that warm body next to me. Without him now I always feel cold and lost.

He was always dependable whenever something needed to be done and he did it without really complaining. He made sure the bills were paid on time and that finances were were well managed. He would always buy me my Tim Horton’s latte whenever would go into Timmy’s and always supply me with my chocolate.

He was good father who loved his kids immensely, always worried about them and always wanting the best for them trying at the same time not to spoil them. And he loved his grandchildren too. Always bringing goodies home for them that he would find that he thought they may like.

He loved the people he worked with. He would always talk about them in glowing terms calling them his second family. He looked forward to going to work and spending each day with them. I always loved listening to him talk about work.

Chester was,is, and always will be a very special guy to me. I will never stop loving him. I know he will never stop loving me as well. My one and only true love, my soulmate.

He will never stop loving his kids and grand kids and he will never stop loving those he worked with.

No, no one will ever replace my Chester!

 

I Must Endure

Posted on by
Reply

I’ve felt like I’ve been going through hell the last little while and it’s not subsiding. I’ve been beside myself with pain and grief and anguish. The passing of my Chester is the hardest thing I have had to face.

Even though we had many great years together, I know he’s with the Lord, doing fine and that he’s with our two kids that had gone on before. They both have one of their parents with them finally after so many years. It doesn’t take away the fact that I miss him and the kids like crazy.

I know we are going to have a beautiful reunion one day but until that time I still have family here and I must soldier on. I must honor my husband by living out the rest of my life by completing the task that God has set out for me to do.

I’m pretty independent and don’t like to ask for help much. My daughter made me realize something. As difficult and as painful as it is I can’t do this on my own. If I am to complete what God wants me to do I need to have help. I need to allow for others to love me and help me especially right now.

I have that hope of being with  Chester and other loved ones one day to spend eternity with Jesus in heaven and the new earth and I am really looking forward to it. At the same time there are many out there who do not have that hope.

I want to continue to plant the seeds that my dear husband started to plant in bringing that hope to others so they and their loved ones may also spend eternity together with a  God who is loving and merciful and wants so much that they choose Him so He can shower them with all those wonderful blessings.

I do love and trust God with all my heart and I do want to do what He wants me to do. I want to be able to when the time comes to say like the apostle Paul did.  That hope that I have helps me endure now and I know it will continue to do so.

All for His Glory!

2 Timothy 4:7-8 King James Version (KJV)

7 I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith

Matthew 24:13 King James Version (KJV)

13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

 

 

Rather Spend Time With God

Posted on by
Reply

Since my Chester has gone to be home with the Lord I have found I would sooner spend time alone with God rather than spend time with people. I don’t know if it’s normal after you lose someone you love or not.  I’ve found I feel closer to the man I love and who God chosen for me when I spend more time with the Lord. Maybe that’s why I desire it so much.

I like to pour my heart out to God and tell Him how I feel. I  would sooner  spend time in His word. I like to ask Him questions and ask him for his help. I would rather seek His presence rather any person’s presence. I feel more at home somehow with God. It’s like this world is foreign to me now somehow. Like I’m an alien on a different planet.  I see everything in a different light, a different perspective, a spiritual perspective.  Actually we are spirits who live in physical bodies.

I’ve been thinking a lot about heaven, the afterlife, God, Jesus, the new earth. I’ve been interested in Bible prophecy particular where the book of Revelation is concerned. I’ve been gobbling up everything I find of course according to scripture about that topic. I guess you could say I have had an insatiable appetite for it.  You could say I’ve changed. I don’t walk in the flesh anymore. I have no more desire for worldly things. My sights are set above.

I love my Jesus my Lord and Savior, my King even more now than I did before but I still love my husband intensely as well.

Struggle

Posted on by
Reply

Drought land background, plant struggling for life.

Everyday it’s a struggle. A real fight. My stomach is in knots, my family tries to make me eat. I don’t feel like eating. When I do eat,I have a hard time because I get short of breath and then my stomach hurts even more. Food has been the last thing on my mind the last few weeks.

Sleep. I don’t sleep well at all. I have trouble falling asleep and then when I do sleep it’s only for short periods at a time. Before I would go to bed earlier than Chester. I would doze and be kind of restless, then when he would come I would relax because I knew he was there and I could soundly sleep. I wake up now at least two or three times a night with an empty lonely feeling. It’s difficult to fall back to sleep. I don’t have a real deep sleep anymore.

I don’t feel interested in the things I was interested in before. I used to be interested in politics and current affairs. I don’t pay attention anymore. There were about 2 or 3 different shows on TV I used to really enjoy watching. They don’t interest me anymore.  I loved country music. I haven’t listened to it for awhile and I don’t even miss it.  I haven’t been in any stores for weeks, I have no desire to go.

I used to want to look as good and as youthful as I could. All the lotions and potions I would use. I did it for the man I love. I even invested in a couple of devices I would religiously use to reduce the lines and wrinkles. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Don’t want to. These things don’t matter to me anymore. I just don’t care.

Nothing much in this world I care about anymore except my family and trying to get as many people to accept Jesus as possible so they can spend eternity in heaven and the new earth.  That’s where my heart is right now. It’s a longing for heaven and it’s never been so intense as it is now. It’s like the apostle Paul. He had an intense longing like that too.

Philippians 1:21-30 King James Version (KJV)

21 For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

22 But if I live in the flesh, this is the fruit of my labour: yet what I shall choose I wot not.

23 For I am in a strait betwixt two, having a desire to depart, and to be with Christ; which is far better:

24 Nevertheless to abide in the flesh is more needful for you.

25 And having this confidence, I know that I shall abide and continue with you all for your furtherance and joy of faith;

My struggle I think is because I still physically live in this world and yet my heart and mind are somewhere else.